Tuesday, August 18, 2009
sometimes writing race-reports make me feel like a needy child ”hey mom look at me”…”look what I did, I finished 38th at a bike race” (said in a squeaky high pinched voice)…
I hope that one day i won’t be at the mercy of needing others approval… I will just be able to sit, naked, Indian style on top of a cliff all day and be happy with who I am and not feel any need to prove anything to anyone….because I don’t want to be doomed to a life of feeling the need to flex in the mirror and google myself all the time …i don't want to constancy feel the need to determine my self worth based on how popular i am or how fast of a bike rider i am.
for example...if I did have a lower back tat I would like to be in a metal place where I wouldn’t feel self conscious about it…that’s the type of attitude I want to have but I think I am still far from accomplishing that.
i’ve got this counter on this blog so I can check to what degree i am accepted on a daily basis … it is just another example of how I am at the mercy of others view of me.
my conclusion… race reports are cries for attention…personally I am using them like training wheels till I can accept myself with out the approval of others... but as i mentioned in a earlier post human are social animals so I'm not sure if it is possible to change the way we are wired...it would probably be easier to accept the fact that i need the approval and attention of others than it would be to learn to not need anyone's approval.